Turkey Talk with comedian BJ Honkey Lange

Hey Mr. President, It’s Time for Some Turkey Talk

Musings from a turkey with an American Dream

Dear Mr. Obama President Man, At one point in every human’s life, they have all considered the question, “If you could be any animal in the world, what would you be and why?” Yes, there are the obvious cool answers like killer whale, shark, lion, cheetah, bear, dolphin and flying monkey, but then there are really obvious answers, like the answer from a patriotic American: a bald eagle.

Well Mr. President, I take offense to that because bald eagles are no more patriotic than us turkeys. Or as cool. I’d like to tell you and your fellow humans a few reasons why turkeys are just as cool as sharks, and why we should be pardoned as the next national bird of America. It’s time to let the eagle land and let the turkey rise. But not like “rise” in the oven, because that’s just too traumatic for me.

A few points as to why I should become the next national bird. Yes, eagles may look physically perfect with their finely-shaped beaks, immensely powerful talons and perfectly-spread wings, but that’s because us turkeys had to fight to keep our beautiful tail feathers from getting plucked every year on Thanksgiving. We also can’t fly like they do, but what we lack in flight we make up for on foot. I don’t see eagles running away from humans in lightning speed once November rolls around. But that’s what we do. We fight for our freedom, and isn’t that what America is all about?

My last point. If it isn’t patriotic to sacrifice your body for the nutritious consumption of humans on a day that gives thanks for being alive, then I don’t know what is. So give us a break and let us prove that although we’re slightly less attractive and as symbolic as the eagle, we can represent this country with pride.

What I’m saying, Mr. President, is that people may think it’s not cool to be a turkey in this day and age, and that we’re not worthy of dethroning the bald eagle as the national bird, but someone did a long time ago. His name was Benjamin Franklin, and he actually wanted the turkey to replace the bald eagle as the national bird. He was a very cool man. Nuff said.

Thank you for your time. May you think of me with kind and delicious thoughts on Thanksgiving Day.

Sincerely, The Turkey

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